Can all this be true?
by the-dragon-within-me
Summary: It's been a year since the war ended. Harry is engaged to Ginny and undergoes auror training. Everything seems to be going well, yet no one knows just how much Harry struggles with his nightmares. What happens when the nightmares turn into flashbacks? Flashbacks that are not his. What awaits Harry when he finds out the truth? Post Hogwarts. SLASH Harry/Voldemort
1. Chapter 1

**Hi everyone! This is my very first fanfiction so I apologize for any mistakes. Constructive criticism is welcome. Any hateful/rude comments ****will**** be ignored. Hope you'll enjoy my story.**

**Summary:** It's been a year since the war ended. Harry is engaged to Ginny and undergoes auror training. Everything seems to be going well, yet no one knows just how much Harry struggles with his nightmares. What happens when the nightmares turn into flashbacks? Flashbacks that are not his. What awaits Harry when he finds out the truth? Post Hogwart. SLASH

**Warning**. This is **SLASH,** boy x boy love. **Don't like, don't read**. This fanfiction includes somehow explicit sex scenes, vulgar language and voilence. Mention of suicidal thoughts and abuse of substances. Not suitable for younger readers.

**You are reading this at your own risk. You have been warned.**

**Disclaimer. ** I do not own Harry Potter. This story is purely for entertainment purposes and I do not get any profit from it.

Chapter 1

Harry sat in Leaky Cauldron waiting on Hermione and Ron for their usual weekly meeting. It was only 4 pm, but Harry was already sipping his third Fire Whisky. Looking at his watch, Harry deducted he had around 15 more minutes to drink and get cleaned up before they show up.

This last week has been pretty tough on him. The auror traing was getting harder and the nightmares have gotten worse. It's been over a year since the war ended, yet the nightmers got worse and worse instead of getting better. No potions, no charms, no mind exercises have helped to ease them. Only the Fire Whisky gave Harry that bit of a time to forget the awful images that haunted him everynight.

Finishing his drink in one large gulp, Harry went to the toilet to stighten himself up. He looked at his reflection in the mirror and sighed. Looking like shit was an underestimation of the year. His hair was a big nest as usual, only longer. His skin was paler than before. Cheeks slightly sunken in and you could see just how tired he was due to the huge eybags he had. He splashed some water on his face, used breath neutralizing charm and strighned his wrinkled clothes. Harry looked almost decent. As he walked out of the toilet, he noticed Ron and Hermione were sitting at their favourite table. _Thank Merlin I went to clean up earlier than I originally planned - _thought Harry. He didn't want them to know. Hermione didn't like him drinking a lot. The last time she caught Harry drinking excesivelly, he had to listen to her lecture for at least half an hour.

Ron spotted Harry pretty quickly and waved to get his attention. Harry snapping out of his thoughts, faked a smile and walked over to them.

''Hey mate, how's things?'' greeted Ron. ''Not so bad, busy week. You?'' as Harry sat down, Hermione gave him a weird look. ''You've been drinking again.'' it wasn't a question. Harry sighed. ''Harry I thought we talked about this'' _Oh here we go - _he rolled his eyes. She then launched on with a lecture about how bad and unhealthy drinking was. Not knowing about Harry's struggles, she only added to his stress. After few minutes, Ron couldn't take it anymore and told her to shut up and leave Harry alone. He was a big boy after all. Hemione huffed and puffed but eventually gave up. They talked about their week and exchanged small gossip they thought was good.

Ron talked about his auror training. He seemed to be loving it. He was in a different group than Harry and from his stories, the instructor he has was a lot nicer than Harry's. The Minister had separated them, so that no matter who their partner would be, both Harry and Ron could work smoothly with anyone. Hemione was working hard to become a Potion Master as soon as possible. She has been named a genius of her generation, having done most of her work in record time of one year, unlike the other mere mortals that needed at least three. This however, didn't surprise Harry at all. I mean, this IS Hermione we are talking about.

They chatted for about two hours before they parted ways. Harry apparated to his and Ginny's flat. She was currently at Holyhead Harpies, doing her Quidditch training and wouldn't be back until tomorrow morning. Unlike Harry, Ginny's training required her to stay there for a whole week and she was allowed to go home only on the weekends. Although normally Ginny should have finished Hogwarts this year, she decided that NEWTs were not needed to be a proffesional Quidditch player.

As she was a very talented player, the Holyhead Harpies accepted her immidietaly.

Harry walked over to the fireplace where his Fire Whisky was stashed. He took it, opened it and began to drink, not even bothering to pour it into a glass. He went to the bedroom and quickly took his robes off, leaving only the underwear on. He collapsed on the bed with the drink in his hand and sighed. He was tired, so very tired, yet he didn't want to go to sleep. Harry knew what was awaiting him as soon as he would close his eyes. The nightmares and the flashbacks. Nothing could stop them. The memory of them haunted Harry even when he was awake. He took another large gulp from the bottle. Recently, alcohol was the only thing that could make Harry fall asleep. It was the only thing that relaxed him enough, to allow sleep to take over.

Harry put the bottle on the bedside table and pulled the covers over his body. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. His thoughts travelled back to the war, his fight with Voldemort and the sight of all the dead people he loved and knew. Harry shook his head and tried to think about something else. The day of his engagement to Ginny came to his mind. It was 5 months after the war. Harry and Ginny got back together right after the war finished and have been inseperable ever since. Harry knew he would never love anyone as much as he loved Ginny. He proposed to her in their little flat, giving her his mother's engagement ring. Ginny was beyond ecstatic and instantly agreed. Harry recalled how happy he felt back then. Now, he couldn't feel that happiness anymore. He fell asleep thinking, how much his life and feelings changed since that day.

_He was standing in front of Voldemort. They circled each other, wands ready to fight. All too quickly they threw the Avada Kedavra, his hitting Voldemort stright in the chest, Voldemort's missing him by inches. He watched as Voldemort's body diminished in front of him. He looked into the ruby eyes and saw the despair they held. Suddenly, the setting changed. Harry was standing in a small room. A little boy with black hair was sitting by his bed, reading. Out of nowhere, three very much larger and older boys came over to the small dark haired boy. They screamed insults at him and laughed. One of them bent over and hit the little boy in the face. The other two roared with laughter. The little boy clutched his face, his eyes full of unshed tears. The setting changed again. The boy was now older. He was standing in front of very fat and scary looking man. The man screamed at him, saying what a freak he is and how he should never hurt any of the normal children. He told him to take off his pants and bent over. The boy pleaded him to stop, saying he didn't do anything wrong. The man told him to shut up, took his belt off and moved to hit the boy's behind over and over again, leaving deep, long slashes. _

Harry woke up startled. His breathing was shollow and erratic. The dream still very vivid in his memory. He put his glasses on and looked at the clock. _Only 3 hours huh -_ he thought. The clock showed him that he couldn't have slept more than that. He decided going back to sleep was useless. He knew, he would be having yet another nightmare. Once again, Harry wondered who the little black haired boy from his dreams was. He had an idea but dismissed it right away. I mean, it couldn't be possible could it?

**A/N: So that's the end of Chapter 1. Obviously not everything in my fanfic will follow the canon story, there will be few changes. Hope you enjoyed it. This chapter is not very long but hopefully the next one will be. Next chapter should be up tomorrow evening. Reviews are more than welcome. Till the next time! :) xo**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi everyone. Here's chapter 2, a little bit later than I thought and a little bit shorter than I originally planned. Enjoy :)**

**Warning. This is SLASH, boy x boy love. Don't like, don't read. This fanfiction includes somehow explicit sex scenes, vulgar language and voilence. Mention of suicidal thoughts and abuse of substances. Not suitable for younger readers.**

**You are reading this at your own risk. You have been warned.**

**Disclaimer. ** I do not own Harry Potter. This story is purely for entertainment purposes and I do not get any profit from it.

_*thoughts*_

Chapter 2

Harry paced around his sitting room, the thoughts in his head swirlling like a tornado. _It could not be possible. No. Definitely not. Voldemort is dead. He's been dead for over a year. All of his horcruxes have been destroyed. There is no way he could still be alive. _Harry slumped into his armchair. Although he knew Voldemort was dead, something at the back of his head, kept on telling him he was wrong. But how could this be possible? If Voldemort was still alive his scar would definitely give him some sort of a sign. Wouldn't it? Not knowing what to do or what to think, Harry did the only thing he could do. He switched on the TV to kill some time before Ginny came back.

After few hours and few episodes of Eastenders and Jeremy Kyle Show, Ginny finally showed up. As Harry looked at her, he couldn't stop the shock that overcame him. Instead of feeling happy and excited, he felt empty. It seemed that all of the anticipation to see his fiancee, left him as soon as he looked at her. Harry froze. Glancing at Ginny, he couldn't help but see her as a... stranger. All the love and adoration his heart held just disappeared. And for the love of god, he didn't know why. Harry wondered what happened to him. What went wrong with his feelings?

''You could at least pretend to look happy'' said Ginny sarcastically. Harry just kept on gaping at her, not able to choke out a word. Ginny looked at him, worry written all over her face. ''I was only joking Harry, what's wrong?'' she moved to touch his cheek. Harry couldn't help it and flinched. Ginny's eyes got bigger and you could see the hurt, plainly written in them. She was confused at his reaction. She knew something was bothering Harry but she didn't want to pressure him, thinking he will eventually confess what was bothering him. His reaction however, could not be a good sign. ''Harry? Talk to me.'' Ginny desperetaly tried to get him to talk. What came out of his mouth however, wasn't what she expected.

''I think we should take a break.'' said Harry quickly. Silence enveloped the room. Harry wasn't sure who was more surprised at his words, Ginny or himself. Ginny blinked few times. ''Why?'' was the only think she said after a while. Harry didn't know why. He just very simply needed it. Maybe it was the nightmares. Maybe it was the fact that he still couldn't get over the deaths of certain people. Maybe it was the fact that all he could think about, was that small dark haired boy and the deep hurt in his black eyes. It sounded ridiculus. Yet Harry couldn't help but feel this deep longing inside of him. ''I just need it Ginny. As cliche as it sounds, it's not you, it's me. There is few things I need to sort out in my head. I'm sorry. Don't get me wrong I don't want to break up I just... need a break.'' he said and not waiting for her answer, he apparated to Grimmuald Place, leaving stunned Ginny in their flat.

Harry apparated into the kitchen, nearly giving Kreacher a heart attack. The poor house elf screamed, which in turn woke up the painting of Sirius' mother. Harry went over to the painting and closed the curtains so that the insults and screams would be over. Kreacher came over to him when he calmed down. ''Master Harry, what is Master doing here?'' asked Kreacher. ''I will be staying here for a while. Please prepare my bedroom for me.'' Kreacher nodded, bowed and went to do his job. Harry sighed. What came over him, he didn't know. _What was I thinking! This is not good. Not good at all._ He fought with himself for a while longer before he decided to go and get something to drink. Sipping Fire Whisky, Harry decided that Ginny wasn't the only thing he needed a break from. Acting on the spur of the moment, he wrote to his auror instructor.

_Dear Mr. Kirk_

_I am writing to you to ask for permission for a leave from the training._

_Due to certain health and personal reasons I cannot continue with it._

_I hope you understand my situation._

_Sincerely_

_Harry Potter _

''Kreacher!'' called Harry. ''Please take it to my instructor and ask for an answer as soon as possible.'' Kreacher bowed and took the letter ''Yes Master.'' With a loud pop he was gone. Ten minutes later, Kreacher came back with a positive reply, saing that Harry was allowed a monthly leave for now, with an option to lenghten the period if needed. Harry couldn't help to feel relieved. Now he could drink his Fire Whisky and try to forget everything.

**Three Weeks Later**

Harry slowly got out of the bed. Yet another hangover welcomed him when he woke up. He knew drinking wouldn't solve any of his internal problems, but it definitely did help him forget. Even just for a while. Hermione and Ron tried to contact him. They send multiple owls but Harry never answered. They came over few times to Grimmuald Place, however Kreacher wouldn't let them in. ''Mater's orders'' he'd say.

Harry went to the kitchen, doing his morning ritual, which he started few weeks ago. He would take the Hangover Potion, then eat his breakfast, which was followed by drinking a lot of Fire Whisky until lunch time. To his surprise, there was none of it left. He called for Kreacher. ''There is no more Master. Master drank everything there was.'' Harry couldn't decide between being angry or relieved. He wanted to drink more, but he knew it couldn't go on forever. Not saying anything, he went to take a shower. It's important to say, he really need it. He didn't remember when he took the last one.

Not knowing what to do after cleaning himself up, he went to Sirius' old room. This was the first time he decided to go there since Sirius' death. Harry walked up to the door and stared at them. After few minutes he opened the door. Everything looked exactly as it did when Sirius was alive, only there was some dust here and there. Memories, good and bad, flooded Harry's mind. He missed Sirius. Missed him so much. Harry still couldn't forgive himself for causing his death. He would always blame himself. Sighing heavily, he walked out and closed the door.

Now that Harry had nothing to do, he decided to go to Muggle London to wander around. He didn't want to be anywhere near Diagon Alley or Leaky Cauldron incase he met any of his friends. Being in Muggle part of London had another advantage. No one could recognise him. He was just another stranger walking down the street, not the Harry Potter or the-Boy-Who-Lived. He could be annonymus and didn't have to worry about fans and reporters from Daily Prophet following him.

Harry walked around some tourist hot spots, just to get lost in the crowd. It felt nice, having people smile at him for no reason at all or have people who did not acknowlage his exsistance at all. Both felt equaly amazing. It was around lunch time when Harry decided to go into a small cafe on a less busy street to eat. As he approached the door, a man in his late 20s was leaving the cafe. When their eyes met, time seemed to stop. _No. It can't be possible... _The emerald green eyes stared deep into black eyes. Both were surprised and both didn't know what to do.

''You!'' shouted Harry as he took his wand out.

**A/N: So a bit of a cliff hanger. I apologize for awkwardness of my paragraphs and that awful joke of a letter. I am terrible at writing letters so please forgive me. I also realize that the last chapter and this chapter are kind of boring. I did however, had to put some background story to my main plot which, Hurray!, is gonna go quicker from next chapter on. Sorry I'm rambling, it's nearly 3 am and I'm in a need for sleep. Hope you enjoy my story so far and see you soon :) xo**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey everyone. So I'm updating a little bit later but I needed to put more thought into it and the next few ones and tie some loose ends. Hope you'll enjoy it :) **

**To dianadenisa- thanks for your review! I'm glad you like my story :)**

**To seotimulana- you're about to find out soon :D**

**To reader-anonymus-writer- Good day to you too.**

**I'm really happy you reviewed my story, it motivates me greatly. Thanks again :) xo**

**You're reading chapter 3 which means tou probably saw the warnings in previous chapters. I don't think you need a warning anymore.**

''You!'' shouted Harry. Without thinking about any consequences, he took out his wand. It was a reflex he couldn't control anymore. The man in front of him stood frozen, his eyes wide with surprise. Harry's heart was beating rapidly. _How? What? How can it be him? He's dead. I killed him. He cannot be here! _Harry was getting dizzy with all these thoughts swirling in his head. Suddenly, the man's head snapped to the direction of the cafe, he looked back to Harry and said ''Put your wand away Potter.'' his voice was calm, yet you could hear the warning in it. Harry looked at him confused. He didn't know what to think. He could be dangerous. ''I said put the wand away Potter. NOW!'' the man's voice got louder. Harry still didn't move an inch. Not waiting for Harry's reaction anymore, the man walked up to him, took his hand and dragged him to the alley behind the Cafe.

''Are you out of your mind Potter? We're in Muggle London! There are Muggles everywhere. They could have seen us. What were you thinking?!'' the man hissed angrily. You could see a light shade of pink couloring his cheeks. Harry stood gob smacked. He was standing in an alley, in Muggle London, holding hands with the one and only Lord Voldemort. Harry couldn't help but giggle. _Merlin, this is ridiculus. I'm holding hands with THE Lord Voldemort. Where did I go wrong? _Harry's body shook as he tried to not laugh out loud. Voldemort looked at Harry wondering, if the boy went insane after the war. ''Right. You stay here and laugh Potter. I've got things to do. Now if you'll excuse me.'' Voldemort turned around to walk away. He didn't even take two steps when Harry grabed his hand. The boy was finally coming to terms with what was happening at the moment.

''What do you think you're doing?'' Voldemort gritted his teeth. ''What are you doing here? And how are you alive?'' shouted Harry, not being able to control his temper. ''Be quiet you idiot! We're surrounded by Muggles for Merlin's sake! We're going to be exposed.'' whispered Voldemort. ''Like that ever bothered you before.'' answered Harry, rolling his eyes. Voldemort's cheeks got even pinker and his eyes looked like a summer storm. _How adorable. Wait. What? _Harry shook his head. This kind of thinking was wrong and Harry stopped that train of thought right away. ''Look Potter, things are different now. Just let me go. I've got things to do.'' Voldemort tried to twist out of Harry's grasp. ''Do you really think I'm gonna let you go just like that? I need some answers and you're gonna give them to me, whether you like it or not'' Harry tugged Voldemort closer to him and apparated to Grimmuald Place.

As soon as they got there, Voldemort ripped himself away from Harry. ''Potter, get me back to that cafe right this minute'' he demanded. Harry looked at him amused. ''Well, why don't you do it yourself then Voldemort.'' Voldemort growled at Harry's words. ''Don't call me that again. That part of my life is over. And for your information I can't get back by myself. '' he sighed and sat on the nearest couch. ''What do you want me call you then?'' asked Harry taken aback by his statement. ''Tom. Just call me Tom'' said Tom defeated. Tom looked very tired. He combed through his hair with his hand. Harry was shocked at Tom's appearance. He was dressed in ordinary clothes; jeans, white T-Shirt and cream jacket. This was the opposite of what Harry thought the Dark Lord would wear. His eyes and hair looked exactly like Harry remembered, eyes mesmorising black and hair soft as velvet. The one thing that shocked Harry the most was Tom's height. He always thought Tom would be... taller. Instead, it turned out he was just slightly, maybe an inch, smaller than Harry.

''Potter, please. I need to get back.'' Tom's voice was barely a whisper. Harry's eyes were wide and his mouth formed a perfect 'O'. _Did the Dark Lord just said please? Merlin, today is full of surprise._ Harry didn't know what to think. The man in front of him was definitely Tom Riddle aka Lord Voldemort, but he also ... wasn't? Harry didn't know how that statement was even possible. '' I'm not letting you go. Not before you answer my questions. And sure, you can go back by yourself.'' Tom looked at him with a look that said did-you-not-hear-what-i-said. ''Potter...'' started Tom. ''Call me Harry. I hate when people call me Potter'' inturrupted him Harry. ''Fine, whatever. Look if you listened to anything I said before Pot-Harry, you would hear that I can't do it. I don't have any magic at the moment, which means I can't apparate.''

Now, if someone would have told Harry a year ago that Voldemort is alive and that he would be talking to him calmly in his sitting room, holding his hand and then finding out that he cannot do magic anymore, Harry would send that person to St. Mungos in a heart beat. Hearing Tom say that he doesn't have magic anymore, was like hearing someone say that chocolate cake is not chocolate anymore, simply ridiculus and unimaginable. How can the one person in the world who wanted magic more than anyone, and did everything to get it, was now calmly saying 'Hey I don't have magic anymore'. Harry shook his head few times. He didn't know what to think. ''Why don't you have magic Tom?'' Harry needed to know. ''How come you're alive? And how come you're not after me anymore?'' Harry couldn't believe what was happening.

''Look, this is a very long story. The two are kind of interlocked together. I really don't have time now to talk abou...'' Harry wouldn't let Tom finish.''I don't care. You owe me an explanation.'' Harry furiously looked at him. They had a staring battle, which Harry won after very long thirty seconds. ''Fine. But that's gonna take a while so you better be prepared. And I also have few rules.'' Harry could hear the defeat in Tom's voice. He couldn't believe he gave up so fast, I mean this is the Dark Lord we're talking about. Harry crooked his eybrow at the 'Rules' part. ''I will speak and I will tell you BUT you will not interupt me.'' seeing Harry trying to say something, Tom added quickly ''You can ask questions at the end.'' Harry pondered for a bit, then nodded in agreement.

Tom was just about to start his story when the Floo in the fireplace opened and a letter came flying out, right at Harry's face. He cought it just in time before it would have hit him square in the face. He looked at it and realized what it was. Tom saw the letter and said quietly with a smirk ''A howler. It seems you're in trouble Harry.'' Harry looked at him desperatley. He knew if he didn't open it, it would only be worse. So he did the only thing he could, he opened the damned letter.

HARRY JAMES POTTER!

Ronald asked me not to send you a howler but THIS IS GETTING RIDICULUS! IT'S BEEN THREE WEEKS. LET ME REAPAT. THREE BLOODY WEEKS SINCE YOU GAVE US ANY SIGN YOU ARE ALIVE! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS! WE TRIED TO SEND YOU OWLS, WHICH YOU DIDN'T ANSWER! WE TRIED TO GET TO GRIMMUALD PLACE BUT KREACHER WOULDN'T LET US IN. YOU COULD AT LEAST HAVE SOME DECENCY TO TELL YOUR BEST FRIENDS YOU DIDN'T WANNA SEE THEM. HOW DARE YOU MAKE US ALL SO WORRIED. GINNY IS AN ABSOLUTE MESS! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANT TO TAKE A BREAK FROM HER?! BLOODY HELL POTTER! TALK TO US YOU DAMN FOOL! HOW CAN WE HELP YOU WHEN YOU WON'T TELL US WHAT'S WRONG? EVERYONE IS SO WORRIED! MOLLY HAS BEEN CONSTANTLY CRYING BECAUSE OF YOUR SELFISH, STUPID AND CHILDLISH BEHAVIOUR! HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF KNOWING THAT! ALSO, I KNOW. I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR LITTLE SECRET. YES I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING ALL THIS TIME YOU'VE BEEN AWAY. AND WHAT IS THIS WHOLE THING THAT NEVILLE TOLD US ABOUT? YOU TOOK A BREAK FROM YOUR AUROR TRAINING? FOR WHAT? TO DRINK ALL DAY?! YOU BETTER GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER RIGHT NOW! I AM NOT GOING TO BE JUST STANDING THERE AND SEE YOU HIT ROCK BOTTOM. IF I DON'T GET A N ANSWER IN THE NEXT HOUR, YOU WILL BE SORRY! NOW MOVE YOUR STUPID ASS AND WRITE BACK!

Hermione

Harry's face was bright red. He could see Tom struggling not to laugh. He send him a glare and huffed. Harry loved Hermione but she really needs to learn when to leave things be. When he would be ready to talk about his problems he will. Can she not have a little patience? He quickly wrote a small note to her saying he's fine and to not bother him. He called in Kreacher and told him to take it to her. Kreacher nodded saying ''Yes Master'' and apparated to deliver the note.

Harry looked at Tom. ''Now where were we?''

**A/N: AHH another cliff hanger muahahaha I'm so evil. Sorry. So the story is progressing slowly, next chapter will explain most of the things about Tom. I will also tell you in secret that there will be another plot twist coming along soon enough and I can't wait for your reactions :D I will be updating every second day from now on just to let you know.**

**Please review! It makes me very happy xo**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi guys! Sorry I'm updating late, but I've been working on some new twists to the story ;) So today I got my first hate review. At first I got kind of mad and sad and all, but then I remembered I shouldn't care. Not everyone's gonna like my story. One of the things that person (didn't even have the guts to use their name *sigh dramatically* ) said was, I shouldn't talk about my reviews 'cause I don't even have enough of them to do so. Now, all I'm gonna say is that I will talk about my reviews, even if there's not many of them, simply because I want to express my gratitude to people who took their time to encourage me, compliment me and give me tips, instead of trying to put me down. And I think they deserve my attention. So if anyone has a problem with that, go somewhere else. End of rant. Sorry for any mistakes in the story. Please enjoy the new chapter :) xo**

_**A/N: I decided to change things around a bit, so instead of 3rd person POV, there's gonna be Harry's POV and Tom's POV. I will juggle between the three of them from now on. **_

Chapter 4

Harry's POV

My face was on fire. I couldn't believe Hermione would send me a howler! I was already embarrassed to get one but knowing Tom heard it all, just added to it. Damn it. Can I not just get a break for once? For the first time in my life, I didn't need to do anything. No more saving the world, no more killing of the Dark Lords, I could finally do what I want. Except I couldn't. People still had huge expectations of me, and being the good boy I am, I let them rule my life once again. I turned around and looked at Tom.

''So where were we?'' I could tell he didn't want to talk about it. Well tough luck, I need to know. He let out a big sigh and began his story.

''Okay, I'll tell you everything, just sit down. You're making me uncomfortable.'' I complied with his wish and sat across from him in my favorite armchair.

''As you may know, I didn't have the greatest childhood in the world. My Muggle father left my mother and after she died I had to be send to an orphanage. It was difficult. I was different and everyone could sense that. They decided that tormenting me would be the best option.'' Tom's eyes were glazed and had this far away look that people get when talking about their past.

''I was bullied by the children and abused by the adults. Because of my powers, I had to take the blame for all the bizarre accidents that happened, even if they were not my fault. When I was eleven I got accepted to Hogwarts. I thought I finally had a way out. I was wrong. When I asked Dumbledore for help, he pretended to help me, when the truth is he didn't move a single finger to do anything. I needed to stay in Hogwarts for summer. I begged and begged for him to help me. In the end I had to come back to the orphanage. I was able to hold on until after the fifth year...''

Tom's face was full of fury. ''I could live with the beatings. They were painful but I lived through them. During that fateful summer, one of the caretakers tried to rape me.'' I couldn't believe what I just heard. I knew Tom had it bad but this was beyond my imagination. I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Tom took a shaky breath and continued.

''I didn't mean to kill him. I was just trying to defend myself. When he put his dirty hands on me, I-I just snapped. I pushed him off of me, then grabbed the closest hard object to me and hit him with it. And that's how my first Horcrux was made.'' I sat there in complete shock. It was clear how distressed Tom was at remebering that incident.

''I didn't even know I made it until later on that year. My mother's ring was acting up. It felt weird, different. I read about Horcruxes somewhere and put the two together. I talked to Slughorn about them. Around that time I noticed the change in my moods and character. I became mean, ruthless and any trace of compassion was leaving me. I knew the horcrux had something to do with that, but I couldn't control it. It was like a disease that slowly ate away at my soul. So I did the only thing I could, I read tons of books on black magic. When I didn't find anything helpful, I turned to white magic.'' I was starting to get tired from all of these surprises. There were so many I've lost count. I think Tom realized that I was yet again in shock. He chuckled softly and said

''I know, I know. The Dark Lord used white magic. How can that be possible? You have to remember Harry, I wasn't always evil.'' He got that sad look in his eyes again and all I wanted to do is go over to him and kiss all of that despair away. Whoa. What am I even thinking. This is getting really dangerous. Remember what Dumb...

''Should I continue or do you need a break?'' said Tom tearing me away from mental battle. I nodded at him to continue.

''So after reading many books, I finally found a solution. It was a spell that had to be combined with a potion. It was something like a reverse horcrux. First you put a spell on yourself. It makes all the pieces of your soul come back to your body, which you freeze in time when you take the potion.'' I looked at him confused. What the hell is he talking about.

''You have to explain it better because I still don't get it.'' I said after a while. Tom sighed dramatically and tried again.

''Okay. I'll start from the beginning. First I used the spell. What the spell does, is that it makes the pieces of your soul reattach to each other when the horcruxes are destroyed. Then I used the potion. It was after I made my second horcrux when I killed my father. By then I knew I couldn't keep the evil at bay. So I took it. The potion freezes your body. It literally separates your infected soul from the body and makes a host body in which your sick soul is stored. Your real body is frozen in time and you have to put it somewhere safe. When all of your horcruxes are destroyed, the soul repairs itself and goes back into your body, which undoes the time freeze. But this all comes at a great price. The spell makes it that when a horcrux is destroyed, only magic is gone, saving the soul instead. And this is the reason I can't use magic anymore.'' finished Tom, the last sentence barly above whisper.

''However, that was the only way to stay alive and have my soul back at some point. I knew that the more I separate my soul, the more sick it will become, yet I couldn't stop myself.'' Tom looked at me and waited for my answer. I tried to choke something out.

''Well this is a lot to take in. So what, you're like not evil anymore? No more threats to Muggle and Wizarding Worlds?'' I couldn't wrap my mind around this whole thing.

''No, I guess I'm not evil anymore. Maybe a bit mean but not evil. You have to understand, I turned that way because of my childhood and a mistake I made by killing that scumbag of a caretaker. It all went down hill from then. The evil spread slowly and I couldn't stop it. I am fully aware of what I did. I have all the memories and I will live with them for the rest of my life. '' I could see regret in Tom's eyes. I could understand where he's coming from. I mean, if that was me... who knows? Maybe I would have turned the same way.

I didn't know why I had a soft spot for this new Tom. For some reason I couldn't see him as Voldemort. My emotions are a mess. I really need to keep them in check or else I'll be in trouble, yet I couldn't help but feel attracted to him. Oh the things I would do to him...ENOUGH! I can't think like that. I can't think like that. I CAN'T THIN...

''-arry? Harry? Are you okay?'' Tom was kneeling in front of me, touching my knee to see if I was okay. I acted on an impulse and I kissed him. His lips were so soft. For the first time in my life I felt such a surge of desire just by kissing someone. I wanted this moment to last forever. I wanted to get lost in this feeling and never go back. But this pleasure ended faster than I hoped and I was left facing very shocked, very angry Tom. What in the name of Merlin have I done?!

_**A/N : So that's it for today guys. Yet another cliff hanger muahaha :) Hope you liked it! Please review! Reviews make me happy :D**_

**dianadenisa: Thanks again for the review. (Spoiler ahead) I like to juggle around between seme Tom/ uke Tom as well as seme Harry/ uke Harry. In this story Tom is uke, but that doesn't mean he's not the one in charge if you know what I mean ;)**

**Karerik: Thanks for your tips :) As a newbe I appreciate it **

**Reader-anonymus-witer and Lendrir: I'm glad you liked the howler part. I had a lot of fun writing it :D**

**raven 1493: Thanks for your kind review and I hope you like the new cliff hanger :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi everyone! Sorry for taking so long with this chapter. Writers block can be a bitch. Thanks to everyone who favored and followed my story. Please review :) Enjoy the story xo**

Tom POV

It started as a relatively normal day. I woke up just two minutes before my alarm went off. Nothing weird there. This happened to me a lot. I got dressed, grabbed a quick breakfast and went to work. Ever since I came back to life and lost my magic I've been working in a library in central London. It wasn't exactly exciting but it had a low profile and that was what I needed at the moment. It has been over a year since my soul mended itself back together and I was still weak. I mean, that was hard yes, but with addition to going back to a body that has been frozen for few decades... Yeah, pretty tough. However I was alive and that's all that mattered.

I went to my favorite cafe as usual. They had decent coffee and even better food. It was a day like any other. Nothing out of place. Except maybe for the fact that it was sunnier than usual. A nice break from all the rain. There was no sign whatsoever showing what was about to happen. I was making my way back to work when I stumbled upon, the one and only person I wished I didn't see again, Harry bloody Potter. Yup. Harry Potter of all people, in Muggle London of all places. And here I was hoping to never meet with my past again.

He saw me, a look of recognition clear on his face. I froze. He was different. He looked taller and it seemed that he gained more muscle. Although, you could clearly see something was wrong with him. He pointed his wand at me. Right out in the middle of Muggle world. What an utter idiot! I grabbed him and took him to a back alley close by. I begged him to calm down and leave me alone, but no. That moron apparated us to his house. He wanted answers. I didn't want to talk. It was still hard to talk about it without getting too emotional.

I told him the bare minimum. I didn't tell him anything about how I was haunted by my memories. I'm still in awe that I didn't suffer any mental breakdown so far. It was hard but somehow I was able to live through the nightmares and flashbacks. My therapist, who thinks I suffered memory loss due to car accident, told me to not associate the me now with the me back then, so it would be easier. This kind of thinking was supposed to help me feel better about the fact that I was not the same person, that I acted differently. It helped to some extent. I could detach myself from the previous me. Yet here I am with Harry fricking Potter who makes everything feel more real than I wish it did.

It's not that I don't feel guilty. I do. I regret doing so many horrible things. However I do know that most of them were done while I was not in the right mind. Now saying I didn't know what I was doing is wrong. But unfortunately at the time I lacked a very important thing, which is like ninety percent of my soul. Show me a person who wouldn't go mad from that. I do feel responsible in a way, but I'm trying to live a better life. I'm trying to be kind and not murder everyone in sight. Plus I gave up my magic. That's hell of a punishment I'd say.

So here we are, in Harry's house talking when suddenly he kisses me. Not an oh-sorry-missed-the-cheek-and-kissed-you-on-the-mouth kind of a kiss but a I'm-kissing-you-on-the-lips-while-knowing-what-I'm-doing kind of kiss with a little tongue action. Now I don't mind a bloke kissed me. I swing both ways so this kind of thing doesn't phase me. However, Harry Potter kissing me is a whole different story. I mean I killed his parents right? And like half of the people he loved. I destroyed so many things in his life so why the fuck would he kiss me?! Now I don't get surprised or confused often but this... this is beyond my imagination. And let me tell you my imagination is plenty good.

Suddenly I was angry. Not at him but at myself for feeling good and aroused. I knew right away it would not work, whatever this is. Too much history between us and for Merlin's sake he's still a kid. I'm not much older than him technically speaking. My body is about twenty four years old, however, my mind is older than him by decades! And sure why am I getting so worked up anyway. He probably did it on a spur of a moment. It didn't mean anything right? Right?

I looked at Harry. His face was red, he wouldn't meet my eyes. I took his chin and guided his face towards me. His eyes were full of shame and something else.

''Why did you kiss me Harry?'' I didn't know what else to say. I could feel the heat coming from his face as he blushed even harder.

''I don't know... I-I-I ju-just fel-t-t like it.'' He averted his gaze from mine. ''I don't know why I feel so much desire for you.'' My eyes widened in surprise. He must have taken it as a sign of anger on my part and began to apologize quickly. ''I'm so-so-sorry Tom. Forget I said anything. I shouldn't have kissed you. It was wrong of me. Two men together... just wrong.'' Harry's lip was quivering and I could see his eyes filling with tears. It seemed that this whole kiss situation had a great emotional impact on him. And I wouldn't say it was in a good way.

''Harry calm down. It's okay. I'm not mad at you for kissing me.'' I tried to calm the poor boy down. Damn, I'm getting soft. Sigh.. ''Ummm... I am flattered that emm... you find me desirable. But weren't you stright? And in relationship with that red head... Gemma? As far as I remember...''

''It's Ginny, her name is Ginny. And yes I'm supposed to be straight.'' interrupted Harry.

''Ah yes Ginny. So you're 'supposed' to be straight...but you're not?'' I was getting confused yet again.

''Yes. I'm supposed to be straight. I mean I can't be gay, The Golden Boy, Saviour of the Wizarding World gay. How would that look like? Plus he said it's wrong, that I can't.'' he laughed bitterly, his eyes swirling with a dark emotion.

''Why can't you? It's your life. After everything that happened to you, you at least deserve to live the way you want don't you?'' Harry's head was bowed down as I was speaking to him. This kid was tormented by what he was feeling and it was someone's fault. ''Harry look at me. Who said it's wrong to like another man?'' He was quiet for a while, looking as if he was fighting with unknown forces.

''Dumbledore. He said that.''

Ah Dumbledore that old git. Even dead he doesn't lose his grasp over people. Looks like I wasn't his only victim.

**A/N: So that's it for today. A little warning for next chapter- there's gonna be some Dumbledore bashing. I was actually gonna make Old Dumbs evil but decided not to. I mean I don't love him but I don't hate him either. Plus I want this to be more about Harry and Tom than anyone else. Hope you liked this chapter. Till the next time.**


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